Understanding Mixed Signals in Relationships

If you’ve ever found yourself caught up with someone who keeps moving the goalposts and playing hot and cold, this one’s for you. See, I work with a lot of couples and individuals struggling to take that next step in their relationships. On the surface, things might seem peachy, but things are progressing naturally. But under the hood, one partner is low-key putting on the brakes, throwing out all types of excuses and deflections to avoid locking it down for real.

The Obvious and the Not-So-Obvious

And I’m not just talking about the obvious players out here who straight up tell you, “I’m not looking for anything serious right now.” Those cats, you can respect the transparency, even if it stings. I’m talking about the masters of misdirection who say one thing with their words, but their actions and subtle coded language are screaming, “I’m terrified of fully committing to you!”

The Dance of Commitment

Maybe you’ve experienced it before. You’re vibing with someone, feeling that spark and connection growing stronger every day. You can see the potential for something real blossoming between y’all. But every time you try to take that next step—put a label on it, get keys to their place, start merging your lives—they hit you with some version of “I’m not ready for that yet.” Or the classic “Why do we need to rush things and put so much pressure on this?”

Decoding the Excuses On the surface, it sounds reasonable enough. They’re just asking to take things at a comfortable pace, right? But if you’ve been paying attention to the patterns, you know something just isn’t adding up. Because this person has been perfectly comfortable letting the intimacy deepen in every other way—sharing their life with you, intertwining friend groups, maybe even talking about the future and kids.

Why the Cold Feet?

So why are they tripping when you want to make it official and permanent? Why do they move like a cat avoiding getting its nails clipped the moment you want to take that next step?

Cracking the Code

That’s when you got to crack the code and read between the lines. Because phrases like “I’m not ready yet” or “Why rush things?”—those are just civilian translations for “I’m scared to fully commit.” That person has gotten comfortable with all the perks of being in a relationship, without actually signing up for the accountability and vulnerability of one.

Unpacking the Psychological Baggage

And it’s not always conscious either. Often, these are cats who have been burned before or grew up witnessing toxic cycles of commitment. Their psyche gets programmed to associate taking that next step with losing freedom, getting hurt, or even being trapped. So, their mind starts creating all types of mental blocks to keep them stuck in the safety of that in-between space.

Therapy Insights

As a therapist, it’s my job to help people crack the code of their own mind’s deflection game. I’ll ask them directly—”When you say you’re not ready yet, what are you afraid might happen if you do take that next step?” And finally, we can start unpacking the real root issues holding them back.

The Road to Commitment

For some, it’s lingering trust issues from being cheated on or blindsided by an ex. For others, it’s this deep fear of being smothered or losing their sense of identity after making that full commitment. And for a lot of folks, it’s subconscious programming passed down from childhood—maybe their parents had an unhealthy relationship cycle that made commitment seem like a trap.

Building a New Blueprint

Whatever the root causes, the first step is shining a light on those mental blocks so they can be dismantled. Because once someone becomes aware of their own self-sabotaging behaviors and coded language, they can start re-writing those narratives from a place of consciousness.

Setting Boundaries and Creating Safe Spaces

And for couples dealing with one partner’s commitment issues, it’s a process of learning how to set boundaries while also creating a safe space for vulnerability. Because look—nobody wants to feel hunted or pressured into doing something they’re not ready for. That’s only going to reinforce those fears and make someone run further away.

The Ultimate Decision

At the end of the day, you’ve got to be real with yourself about whether this person is genuinely working on meeting you at that level of commitment you need. Or if they’re always going to be running the same coded language script of “I’m not ready” as a way to string you along indefinitely.

Choosing Yourself But if after giving it a genuine effort, all you’re still hearing are remixes of “Why rush?” and “I need more time”…then it may be time to love them enough to walk away. Don’t spend years being someone’s forever girlfriend or boyfriend. You deserve to be chosen, not just an option that someone keeps on the table while they work through their endless cycle of commitment issues.

Conclusion: Listening and Extending Grace

So, keep listening for those coded language red flags. But also, be willing to extend some grace while someone does that personal work—as long as the effort is there and you’re seeing forward progress. We’re all just flawed humans working through traumas and fears. The ones who level up are the ones willing to grab the toolbox and start cracking the code.

Schedule a Consultation

If you’re struggling with commitment issues yourself or feeling stuck in a cycle with a partner, don’t hesitate to seek out professional help. Sometimes all you need is a third party to help decipher the codes your mind is spitting and create a game plan for dismantling those mental blocks once and for all. The road to healthy commitment starts with getting your fears all the way real, fam. Take that first step, and the rest will follow. Book your consultation today.

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